This blog will continue to follow Finn but this post is dedicated to me; my struggles over the last 4 years. This is a post I probably never would have written, but it's only now that I'm finally healthy enough to realize just how hard I was handling being a first time mom let alone a special needs mom.
I've have struggled with depression ever since high school but never really got treated for it. I would go on medications and then just never refill them. I would start counseling and then stop...always thinking that I was too strong for that and could overcome it myself. It wasn't until I was 7 weeks postpartum that realized I was not strong and I needed help. Finn cried 24/7 in those days and slept a total of 6 hours a day only sleeping 2 hours at a time. I was exhausted and stressed out. I wanted to quit. Throw in the towel. I wanted to die. I called my doctor's office and told them I was suicidal. I never wanted to hurt Finn. Let me stress that, how could I? He was so pitiful and sad and it wasn't his fault that I was failing at being a mother. Luckily my doctors office let me come in right away. I saw a random doctor in that practice who just let me sit in a room and cry by myself for a hour. The only words of comfort she offered me was that parenting is hard and that I looked great because I had dropped 25 pounds since delivering. She handed me a prescription for lexipro and left.
I don't remember if the anti-depressants worked at the time, because of everything we were going thru and dealing with. But I do remember that this was a time when there wasn't a generic form of lexipro. So every month I had to pay $25. Then Finn started needing medications and specialty formulas, multiple doctor visits where I had to pay a copay every time. Ethan and I struggled so hard financially. We never anticipated living on a single income. We had to start really cutting back, so I decided to quit refilling my prescription. I had been on the antidepressant for about 2-3 months and felt well enough to quit them and not worry about wanting to harm myself.
Although I didn't feel suicidal anymore, I still didn't feel like myself. I never wanted to leave the house, but if I had to I would have severe anxiety. Maybe it was because Finn screamed his head off whenever he was put in the car seat and/or stroller. Or because most of the time I was by myself with Finn and it was hard to smooth him. So I left the house as little as possible. And when I did I really only felt comfortable going out with Ethan. I started to withdrawal from friends. Especially local friends who also had children around Finn's age. I still was very angry about what happened to Finn and I. I resented the friends who had positive birth experiences and healthy children. So I would cancel plans or ignore calls and texts. I didn't push away so much from friends who didn't have children, but I still found myself being angry and resentful of them too. Hearing about their successes at their jobs or traveling or new friends they have made. I know admitting this makes me sound like a horrible person, but I wasn't right. I was sick. I always ended up feeling worse about myself after talking with a friend so eventually I just stopped talking to people.
I cried on a daily basis. Cried for Finn. Cried for myself. Cried for Ethan. The hopelessness was palpable. I tried to hide my pain. Put on a brave face, but if anyone would ask about Finn I would cry. I could literally cry at the drop of the hat.
I ended up dealing with my depression and stress by eating. I put on 50 pounds the first year of Finn's life. It was easy when all I wore was sweatpants and leggings.
I feel like the past 4 years I have only been existing...I haven't been living. And finally I was able to say enough. I need to start taking care of me. It started with me finding a new doctors; obgyn and PCP. But I was scared. My past doctors have scarred me for life. I didn't feel confident it my ability to chose a doctor. So I was referred to a new obgyn by multiple friends. He was exactly what I needed in a doctor. He took over a hour to sit and talk about my history. I cried like a baby through the entire appointment...having to explain my birth story was still traumatic. The pain was still raw...like I had just went through it instead of 3 years ago. He was the first person to tell me that not only am I depressed but I had post traumatic stress as well. Which is crazy right? I thought only soldiers had ptsd...not a woman who gave birth! Even after he told me all this I still was in denial. He asked if I wanted antidepressants but I said no (still worried about the cost) money was still tight with us.
It wasn't until this past February that I finally was ready to make a change. I was sick of being so overweight, unhealthy and depressed. So I found a PCP. She also spent a hour with me while I just cried my eyes out to her. She told me the same thing as my obgyn: I'm depressed and suffering from PTSD. She wrote me a script for the generic lexipro and I left feeling like this was the first day of the rest of my life.
It's been 5 months now and I feel incredible! Better than I have in my entire life. Thanks to better eating habits and a more active lifestyle I have dropped 48 pounds, I'm happier, have more energy, and most importantly I am a better wife and mother now. I felt like the past 4 years I was in a fog but now the world is crystal clear. I am mad at myself I waited this long to get help. I wish I would have put my needs before Finn just once and maybe I would have gotten help sooner. I wasn't doing Finn or Ethan any good being as depressed as I was. But it's better late than never. I am writing this post in hopes to help other mothers who are suffering in silence. Or maybe to explain to people why I might have pushed them away when they reached out to me. This was not easy to write. But writing is my therapy so this is just another step in my healing process.
