I feel defeated. I feel like I have failed. On March 9 Finn will be getting a feeding tube. Something I have tried to avoid for the past 2 years. But it has been a battle that we keep losing. Finn keeps growing in height but his weight remains the same. Which means he just keeps falling down the growth chart. Finn hasn't gained any weight in a year. He has stayed at 25lbs. No matter what I have tried...no matter how much butter and oil I mix in with his food, no matter how much carnation powder I mix in his bottle...it just hasn't made a difference. I can't keep doing this. I am tired of giving him a bottle...I have been bottle feeding for 3.5 years. I can't spend 25 mins getting him to eat a bottle and only get him to eat 6oz. I can't keep stressing on a daily basis about how Finn only took 14oz of pediasure when the doctors insist that he get at least 20oz. I am tired of worrying about Finn not eating at school, or at his grandparents house, or out in public because he only wants to take a full bottle from me at home.
So I am surrendering. It took me a long time to get to this place. This place of acceptance of the feeding tube. Once I got past the denial of how much Finn actually needs it. I realize that this will be great for our whole family. Finn will finally have a proper nutritious diet. He will finally know what it is like to have a full belly. When he gets sick I won't have to worry about him being properly hydrated or getting meds in him. My stress level will decrease because I will know he will be getting enough food on a daily basis and anyone can feed him...it won't have to be just me anymore. I made a pact with Finn when we decided to schedule the surgery...I promised him I would not stop feeding him by mouth. Finn actually likes the taste of food...he just doesn't eat enough of it to gain weight. Just because he will have a tube doesn't mean I am going to stop trying to improve his oral motor skills or deny him the taste of food. This I promised to him.
So wish us luck on this next hurdle!
