Ethan and I get told pretty often how great of parents we are and how we are so 'brave'. But we aren't the brave ones. Finn is. Finn wakes up everyday with a smile on his face ready to face the world and all the challenges it throws at him. I, on the other hand, struggle to keep it together on a daily basis. On the outside I may seem I have it totally together...well adjusted...and 'brave'. But the truth is I don't feel like any of those things. It's been 2.5 years since Finn has been born and over a year since we got the CP diagnosis, and I still cry every day. It might only be for a minute and just a few tears, but it still happens every day. Usually it is because something triggers a reminder of just how much Finn has to overcome and how much he will have to face in his lifetime. I go about my day keeping to Finn's schedule and BAM! I see or hear something that just makes me lose it.
For instance, today I was picking Finn up from school and as I was strapping Finn into his wheelchair I overhear a mother as the teacher if she can have the names and numbers of a few mothers in the class. She was planning her son's birthday party and wanted to invite 2 of the kids in the class.....seems like not a big deal, but it made me cry. Luckily I was able to wait until I got to the parking lot, but I cried. I cried because I wondered if Finn will ever be invited to a birthday party. Will he ever have friends? Is he making any connections with kids in his class?? I can only go off of what his teachers say, and they claim that Finn likes to be around the other kids...Somedays it is really hard for me to go pick Finn up from school because he is one of the only ones who can't sit or walk. He hardly uses his hands so its hard for the other kids to play with him. Some days I struggle more than others, and today I am having a hard day. In the end I just want what's best for Finn, but I also want him to have a normal childhood. Filled with love and friends. I think Finn is amazing and I love him more than I ever thought I could ever love anything or anyone in the whole world. I think what I am thinking and feeling is a normal part of being a parent with special needs. We are lucky that we have so much love and support pouring in from all different places, but it can still feel like a lonely journey. I just recently found a CP support group in the area and I am hoping to go to the next get together.
This blog is my therapy. I have always found that keeping a journal to express my feelings helps keep me sane, and on a day like today I really needed to get some of this off my chest.
